//It’s been since May since I last wrote…anything.

That is not me. The Chance that I know does not wait four months to write. She does not wait four months to populate things to write about. She does not wait four months to write how she feels. She does not wait to write.

So, here I am. 

I am still so unsure when deciding what I want to write. I know I just want to write. Let me fill you in on why I’ve been waiting…

I have been carrying around a very heavy bag on my back. The bag has been filled with work, traveling (not a bad bag to carry, but still in my bag), visits home, school (SO MUCH SCHOOL WORK), worry, fear, anxiety…all about the future. At the very bottom of my bag, I still carry around grief from many different events in my life. My bag has been packed full for the last four months that I have not been able to find my “pen“. I am finally reaching a point that I realize and understand how desperately I need to unpack my bag. I need to sort things and make my bag a little lighter. I need to always leave room for my pen.

I need my pen to write about the good things. The things that don’t feel so heavy. I need my pen to write about the things that are important to me and despite their actual weight…feel easy to carry around. I need my pen to write about the things I am looking forward to and the things that will get me there. I need my pen to write about my family. (I am so in love with my family.) I simply need my pen.  But, I can’t find my pen if my bag is full of things that weigh me down. I can’t find my pen if my bag is packed full of STUFF.

The point here is: my pen is my brain. I have learned that I can’t use my brain to write if it’s so full of anxiety, worry, fear, and “stuff”. I cannot write like that. That’s why it’s been since May. My promise to myself from this point forward is to always keep my pen within arms reach. To use my pen often, weekly…if I can. To make sure my pen always has enough “ink” and to not use it all in one place (example: worry). I just really need my pen to stay close.

That’s all. That’s all I’ve got after four months. I found my pen. It’s a little dry and running low on ink, but I’ve found my pen.

-Chancey