I’m not making any resolutions this year that are worth talking about in great length but I do have quite a few words about the year 2018. It was 2 parts wonderful and 1 part bad all mixed together for one order of “What the hell was that?” All prepared by yours truly.

I started off 2018 in a relationship with someone who I thought would be around for a while. I ended 2018 not in that relationship and that is okay. There is not much to say about it quite yet beyond the fact that in order for each of us to fulfill optimal happiness…we had to go separate ways. (There will be a post later about what I learned from all of that once I unpack it). Just know that I am incredibly happy to start off 2019.

Moving on into the hardest and most fulfilling months of 2018: September-December. In the midst of an already busy season of life, it felt as if September-December consumed a lot if not all of my emotional pool “budgeted” for the 2018 year. I would say that the beginning half of 2018 was pretty alright despite a few medical hiccups and hard conversations, I came out of that half just fine. I had some really exciting things happen. I traveled and saw people I cared about, I laughed a lot, I got a new puppy, I paid off a student loan before even graduating and ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS ASKED ME TO BE HER BRIDESMAID (whaaaaaaat?!?!) All of those things (and so much more) are what contributed to the 2 parts wonderful of 2018.

September:

This is always my favorite month of the year because it’s my birthday month (Thanks, Mom.) I remember starting this month off in 2018 full of joy and excitement for what my 22nd year around the sun may bring. I also remember waking up and being 22 years old. It felt the same as 21 for quite some time. One day I woke up and literally felt an internal change, not because of my age but because I just knew it was time: I was ready for the scariest season of my life and that is graduating college. A lot of things starting to stir inside of me when it came to mental growth and an emotionally better version of myself. It almost felt like turning 22 made my brain say: Okay, now you need to start unpacking a lot of heavy shit you’ve been carrying around for a long time. So that’s exactly what I started to do.

October:

One word: holy hell. This month was a mix of really good and really bad. This is the month I started to notice the work I’ve been putting in to achieve optimal emotional and mental health. This is the month I started to focus on me and what I wanted my own life to look like in five, ten, fifteen years. There were many moments in this month I wanted to shut down and only do enough to get by this crazy life. There were many days I did just that. I started to become way too hard on myself for not being the wonderful, perfectly put together 22 year old I thought I was supposed to be. *pause* Perfect? Put together?! Who did I think I was?! Let’s see what December offered my crazy brain.

December:

During this month I put pen to paper my personal and internal goals for the years to follow-not just in 2019. A brief shift in my emotional growth happened when a sweet family member of mine was admitted (and remains) in the ICU over the Christmas holiday. Our family didn’t have a big meal or open lots of presents…instead we sat in a hospital room or lobby and prayed our hearts out for James. Nothing rocks you to the core quite like seeing a family member (or anyone you love) fighting for their life. Unfortunately, this is not my first time but it does not sting any less. I remember sitting in his hospital room with just the two of us late at night. I was reminded to live life in the best way and most expressive way I can…while I can. James had the flu and now he is fighting for his life. I knew that things can change so quickly but I watched it this time with my own eyes.

2018 was 2 parts wonderful and 1 part bad. Though I focused heavily on the harder seasons of 2018- I lived and loved a full and beautiful life this year. I met people I wish I had years ago. I experienced things and emotions I never thought I could see or feel, but I did. 2018 was a beautiful mess. 

But… right now…in this exact moment I feel so alive. I have actually never felt more alive than I do right now.

So, no goals for just 2019, no New Year’s resolutions…but if there is anything I can do to help you feel more alive- let me know.

I love this life we live and I want you to join me.

with love and lots of life left to live,

Chance