A majority of my life has been a roller coaster ride with anxiety as my co-captain. I believe I was a really anxious kid growing up and have always been really emotional. I feel what everyone else around me is feeling and I make my own. As life continued and life events kept knocking me down, my anxiety would manifest into some depression-especially after my mom died. As I finished up high school and college, I was able to get my anxiety under control without medication and made a second home in my therapists office every Monday and Thursday. I was feeling really good. I toyed with some super light medications during more stressful times in my life to keep the panic attacks under control. I graduated college and NO BODY could have prepared me for what life would throw at me next.

I moved to Arizona shortly after graduating college. It was the best decision I’ve made in a very long time. I was living my best life for many months after arriving. However, in March of this year (2020) I would find myself in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital from my workplace. I had a series of heart palpitations that would make me pass out, come to, pass out, over and over again. My blood pressure was high, but okay. My O2 was 93, but because I was hyperventilating. My heart rate was 165 for about fifteen minutes straight. My legs and arms felt numb and when I was awake, I had tunnel vision.

I thought I was dying.

Turns out I have a very normal Sinus Arrhythmia that a lot of people have. 1 in 4 people have this, in fact. That caused the palpitations which caused my first full blown panic attack since the days after my moms passing (9 years prior to this event). This day was the start of a very exhausting and ongoing battle with panic disorder.

I have been to countless doctors and the ER a separate time from that March visit as of today. This battle with anxiety has been the nastiest thing I have ever faced you guys. I panic out of absolutely no where. This panic brings me to my knees, sometimes to tears, most times to bed and almost always wipes out any emotional energy I had mustered up for that day. I finally accepted defeat and after one day of “I don’t want to be here anymore” being the only thought in my brain, I finally called my doctor. My hands were shaky, my face was soaking wet with tears and sweat, heart rate peaked at 140 and I thought I was going to pass out. Ironically, I was panicking as I was calling my doctor about panicking. After a virtual appointment, my doctor and I decided it was time for medication. I started Prozac that same day.

The first few days I felt like I was a superhero and nothing could stop me. That feeling quickly went away and was replaced with fear, extreme anxiety, anger and depression. I kept telling myself these were just the side effects of the medication and these symptoms would not last for forever. A few days later I did something I never do—I spent the entire day in bed. I cried all day and was angry when my partner would try to comfort me. I felt like I was losing control of my life. The suicidal ideation crept in and I KNEW this was not me, Chance Colleen Osborne, doing the thinking. This medication was wrecking my brain in the worst way possible. I was scared of myself. I called my doctor the moment I felt scared and she advised me to stop the medication right then and there. So, I did. I slept for 13 hours that night and woke up feeling refreshed. I was so happy I did not have to take that medication again. I am now 7 days past the day I stopped taking the medication and I feel so alive. I still continue to take my “rescue” medication as needed when I feel the anxiety creeping in. I start INTENSE therapy this week and will be seeing a psychiatrist to see if a more “gentle” medication is appropriate for me. I’m not ready to give up yet.

THE POINT OF THIS BLOG: listen to your body and your brain.

This pandemic is beating us down to our cores, isn’t it? Life feels so heavy and hard and moving so slow an we are limited to so little. Some of the strongest, most mentally stable people I have ever known are trembling in their own shoes as they face mental health instability for the first time ever. There are so many things most of us just don’t know and that is terrifying. Please listen your brain and your body. Take care of yourself. Do what you know is best for you. If that’s medication please don’t be afraid to call your doctor. If that medication isn’t for you, trust your gut, believe yourself and call your doctor right away. When the medication does not work, it does not work. Do not force it. You are too valuable to suffer. You are too important to not give yourself enough opportunities at healing. You are too resilient to not bounce back after facing adversity.

When the medication does not work, call somebody.

Call me.

Call your doctor.

Call your friends.

Call a therapist (seriously, therapy is great)

Go outside.

Meditate when you can.

Practice deep breathing.

Remind yourself you are worthy of all of the good things.

When the medication does not work, it does not mean you have failed. It means you must find a new way to get to where you are wanting to go.

I have been struggling lately. Maybe you have been, too. Please remember that struggling does not equate to failing. And failing does not have any indication on your worth as a human being.

Love you,

Chance xx