I’m sorry for my absence the last (almost) 2 years. It’s not that I haven’t been writing, because I have. It’s just…I’ve also been trying to stay alive in the most literal sense of the word alive.

March 15, 2021 I was diagnosed with the most aggressive type of Breast Cancer. It’s called Triple Negative Breast cancer. Sounds scary, huh? It’s “triple negative” because it is estrogen receptor negative, progesterone receptor negative and HER2 (a growth hormone) negative. This means that treatments that target hormone driven cancer or HER2 driven cancer will not work for me. The recurrence rate for this cancer is incredibly high. My treatment options are very limited. Since we (you being the reader & me) last spoke, I have completed 11 rounds of chemotherapy, a double mastectomy, a total hysterectomy, 25 rounds of radiation and now I am on week 3 of a 52 week oral chemotherapy regimen. Yep. I did and am doing all of that.

It started when I was 24 years old. I’m 25 now but I feel 62.

The Treatment:

This was some of the worst days, nights and weeks of my life. I had literal poison pumped into my body in hopes of killing the other poison (cancer) already in my body. After chemotherapy I would spend multiple days in bed praying that the pain, the puking, the weakness, and the crying would stop. It would eventually stop… just in time to get chemotherapy all over again. I did this 11 different times. Eleven. I lost all of my hair on my body…. ALL of it. My skin was dry, I lost 13 pounds, my taste buds changed, my immune was non-existent, my emotions were all over the place and I was sure the chemotherapy would kill me before the cancer ever got a chance to. I survived the chemo and feel as though I am a stronger person because of it. To anyone gearing up for chemotherapy or in the midst of it right now: You can do this, because you can. That’s it. You can because you can.

The Surgeries

I had a double mastectomy on August 30, 2021. This surgery was set to be 4 hours and I believe mine was closer to 7. When my breast surgeon said she was getting any remaining cancer out… what she meant to say is “I can going to scrape you so thin you will have your muscle and then a little skin left over. No way I’m leaving any cancer in there.” That’s EXACTLY what she did. In fact, I am still recovering from that surgery 5 months later but I am so thankful. After that initial surgery, I had expanders (plastic pieces of pain) put in to aid in the reconstruction process. Wellllll… my body rejected them hardcore. September 4th, I went back to the hospital to have them removed. I felt so much better having them out but that meant I was completely flat. No boobies for this lady. September 14th, I went BACK to the operating room due to a hematoma under the skin and my breast surgeon cleaned all of that up. I started to feel better just in time for my radical hysterectomy October 8th. By radical hysterectomy I mean EVERYTHING got taken out… no more lady bits for this lady either. I really struggled with my body image during this time. I have 7 incision scars on my chest and stomach. In the last few months I have done a lot better at accepting these scars and realize these scars = life. I’m okay being flat for now as I continue to heal. I could go another 184 years without another surgery. Ugh.

The Radiation

THIS SUCKED. Initially, it was fine. I went in, got radiation, said hi to all of the smiling faces and then would go about my day. Two weeks after my 25 rounds of radiation ended I started to notice burning and redness of my skin. This was to be expected but man it hurt. Fast forward a few more weeks and my left side is incredibly tight and the area where I (still) have stitches had busted open and the wound was wiiiiide open. Gross, sorry. I was able to get more stitches and the wound is healing ever so slowly thanks to radiation. It caused extreme fatigue but I feel thankful for the opportunity. Whatever cancer was left got blasted by the radiation, stupid ass cancer…adios.

The Oral Chemo

Plot twist: it’s not really “chemo”. It’s called a PARP inhibitor and acts a little differently than chemotherapy. This specific pill helps by blocking certain pathways created by my genetic mutation (BRCA 1) that “caused” this cancer in the first place. I will be on this medication for 52 weeks. I initially had horrible nausea and fatigue. I have sense reduced my dose and will work my way back up to the full dose over time. I am doing okay. I’m thankful and hopeful this medication aids in a long, no evidence of disease life…free of recurrence. Remember.. .the recurrence rate is pretty high. I am doing everything I can to lessen that.

The Healing

What even is healing? Physical? Emotional? Spiritual? Mental?

All of it. The answer is all of it.

I have been struggling since I was deemed “No evidence of active disease” December 18th, 2021. I will never say I’m “cancer free” because that’s just not the lingo my type of cancer allows. Anyways, I have been struggling mentally every day since that day. My panic attacks increased, I stopped leaving my house alone, I stopped driving, I cried every day, I think of the cancer coming back every moment of every day, I stopped making plans for the future because I became convinced I would not be here to experience them. I sometimes lay in bed for hours upon hours. I cant gain weight because I don’t eat because I am so worried something I eat will “trigger” the cancer to come back. It’s been a very hard time over here, my friends. I have felt like I am dying… all over again. I was recently diagnosed with “health induced OCD and anxiety”. This essential means I am so obsessed with my health and lack there of, that it has triggered a riddling anxiety and panic disorder I have never experienced before. I will start medication for it all while maintaining my regular therapy appointments (god bless that woman… seriously). So, how is the healing going? I’m not sure.. I’ll check back in. I’m scared, but hopeful, my friends. Life was never meant to be this hard, was it?

The Hope

Here’s to the hurting, the healing, and the hoping. If you have read this far, thank you for being here in these moments with me. Some of you have been following my blog since 2015 and I am so thankful for you.

Something good is going to come from this, I just know it. I’m not sure what the good is or if that’s just something I’m telling myself to feel better but either way I believe it. The truth of this all is that one day, my cancer could come back. The other truth? Maybe it never messes with me again. In the midst of all of that, I will remain hopeful and live my hopeful life. Maybe hope just means I leave my house more than once a week. Maybe that means I go a day without crying but rather it’s a day full of laughter. Hope can mean many different things, and each day it may take on new meaning to me. I’m here to learn.

I HOPE that 2022 is full of hope for you, too.

Here’s to the cancer fighters,

the cancer survivors,

and the one’s we honor.

May you never lose hope and know that I am rooting for you.